Some Twisted Form of Self Mutilation
by othalwaysandforever23
Summary: It's intense. It's sad. It's all a little too much. Brucas/Brulian. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Tree Hill. :(

**Warning:** Um... well, there are like two swear words...

**Ships: **Brucas, Brulian.

**A/N: **So, this is the kind of fic that happens when I can't concentrate on my schoolwork. I really wasn't planning on writing anything for a while, but I did. This is in Brooke's POV. There are a lot of quotes from the show, but I'm really lazy, so if you want to know what episode a specific quote is from, just ask. I hope you like it!

You're in love with Julian Baker.

You just know it. You have to be. You need to be.

You're in love with Lucas Scott.

You always will be. You can't help it.

It's intense. It's sad. It's all a little too much.

You wish you could be in love with only Julian. You really do.

You wish you could be with Lucas. You really do.

You wish Julian didn't look so much like Lucas.

You wish that you could look at Lucas without seeing your past.

You love that Julian fought for you.

You want Lucas to fight for you.

You think that Julian could replace Lucas in your heart.

You know that, deep down, Lucas can never be replaced.

* * *

His lips move down your jaw line slowly. You dig your fingers into his back. He grins. You need to feel.

Wait. Who are you making out with again?

You pull back quickly and look into his eyes. Julian. Of course. He smiles his sharp signature smile.

God, how could you just forget?

You kiss him fervently on the lips. He gladly kisses back.

All you can see behind your eyes is Lucas. You want to slap yourself, just like that time you slapped Peyton.

* * *

You're going over lines with Missy for Luke's movie. She's finally getting it.

"_People that are meant to be together, always find their way in the end."_

If that's true, Lucas and you were never meant to be. It's way past the end, now. After all, he is with Peyton. The only ones that are meant to be are Nathan and Haley.

"_I wanted you to fight for me."_ Missy nails the line.

You needed Lucas to fight for you. Julian fought for you.

"_A kiss always means something."_

Did that kiss mean anything to Lucas in New York? Did that drunken kiss mean closure to him? To you, it meant so much more.

"_Brilliant and beautiful and brave, in two years she'd grown more than anyone I had ever known, Brooke Davis is going to change the world someday. And I'm not sure that she even knows it."_ Missy pretends to read from Luke's novel, like you did the night of the graduation party.

You know that every time he says that you're going to change to world someday, you shouldn't love him even more, but you do.

"_Why won't you ever just let me all the way in?!"_ Missy backs up in the script to the second Naley wedding.

Why won't you ever let anyone all the way in?

Why can't you just give your whole heart to Julian?

Why can't Lucas just give your heart back?

* * *

"Why do you even like me, Julian?" You ask him later that night when he comes over.

"There's just something about you, Brooke Davis." Julian smirks at you. He's cute, especially with his big hat. You need more though.

"But, why? I need to know why." You silently beg him with your eyes. Come on, Julian. Please.

"I just do. After all, you are Brooke Davis." He smirks at you. He thinks he's said the right thing. He's wrong. He kisses you sweetly on the lips.

All you can think of is what Lucas said to you in the rain. _"Because you kink your eyebrow when you're trying to be cute. Because you quote Kmo even though I've never actually seen you read. Because you miss your parents, but you'll never, ever admit that! And because I've given exactly two of these embarrassing speeches in my entire life, and they've both been with you. I mean, that's got to mean something, right? And because we're both going to get pneumonia, but if you need to hear why I love you, I can go on all night."_

_

* * *

_

You've come up with a conclusion.

You're going to spend the rest of your life trying to fall out of love with Lucas Scott.

Julian is such a good guy, despite what other people may think.

He understands you. You understand him.

You hate that you're using him.

You like to rationalize it in your head. Julian obviously must still have feelings for Peyton, since he basically came here to Tree Hill with the intentions to get her back. So in a way, he must be using you too, right?

You like to tell yourself that.

* * *

Lucas, Julian, Lucas, Julian, Lucas, Julian.

You pluck apart a red rose, petal by petal.

Lucas, Julian, Lucas, Julian.

The soft petals fall gracefully to the ground.

Lucas, Julian.

The last petal falls, exposing the core of the flower.

_Lucas._

Great. You knew that was going to happen.

You just didn't want it to.

* * *

Julian and Sam talk loudly at the dinner table. You walk into the kitchen to get the food. As you pass the fridge, you see a photo of Angie hanging by a magnet. You smile wistfully and run your finger over the edge of the photo. You think back to the night you took Angie to Luke's.

"_Stay."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah, it's kinda nice."_

Your heart swells. You felt like such a family then, with you, Lucas, and Angie.

You look over to Julian and Sam. You wish you could feel the same, but it's different somehow.

You're such a bad person.

* * *

"Hey Brooke."

Lucas walks into Clothes Over Bros.

"Over here, Luke." You call out from between aisles of movie clothes. Where was that basketball jersey, again?

"What are you looking for?" Lucas is suddenly behind you.

You can feel your heart pounding.

"I'm, uh, looking for the Nathan character's basketball jersey. I need to put it with the rest of the team's jerseys. You know, organization is key." You inform him. Ah, there's the jersey. You grab it and put it with the rest.

"I thought love was key." Lucas stares you in the eye. You have to look away.

"I don't even know what is key anymore. I think all that's key is food, water, and oxygen."

"You're probably right." Lucas chuckles.

"Anyway, Brooke." Lucas's tone turns more serious.

"Do you think that Missy is okay? Does she capture the aura of Brooke Davis: High School Version? I mean, you were kind of mad the other day and... I just want to make sure that you're okay with her."

"Yeah. Actually the other day she came over and I helped her with some lines. I realized that she just needs a little help to understand me completely. She's getting it." You smile slightly at him.

He still looks a little uncomfortable.

"Alright, that's good to know." He nods his head, but his eyes are on the floor.

"So, actually there's something else."

You urge him to go on.

"I just wanted to apologize for what that casting sheet said about you. I know I didn't write it, but... you're much more than that, Brooke. I should've paid more attention and read it. I could've changed it. I don't want you to feel like that's all I ever thought of you."

"Don't worry about it Broody. I talked to Julian, and it's all okay now." You try to make your smile reach your eyes, but you know it doesn't work.

At the mention of Julian, Lucas rubs the back of his neck.

"Hey Brooke, about Julian...I was talking to Peyton and... well... I'm just going to say it. I know you like him, but...please, Brooke, just be careful with him. You don't know some of the things he's said."

Your head snaps toward him.

"I know I have no right to tell you that, or anything like that, but... just trust me, okay?"

Lucas waits for your answer.

How does Lucas have the right to say that to you?

Why does he just waltz into your life and do that?

What did Julian ever really do to deserve this?!

"Why does everyone just assume that he's a bad guy? That I always fall for the bad guy?!" That came out harsher than you wanted it to.

Lucas looks taken back.

"I don't know, Brooke. Maybe the fact that a couple of weeks ago, he bet that he could steal Peyton away from me when I went to LA? Maybe the fact that when he's threatening to get back Peyton, he gets with you?! Maybe the fact that nobody can just turn their feelings off for someone that quickly?!? Can't you see that he's probably using you Brooke?!?" Lucas raises his voice in disbelief.

"Maybe I'm using him too." It slips out venomously. You didn't want to say that.

Lucas frowns. "You? Why would you use him, Brooke?"

"Forget it. I don't want to talk about it." You sigh and sit on a stool.

"Brooke, come on, talk to me. We're friends. You can talk to me." Lucas tries to get you to open up.

"We're friends? You know, Luke, a while ago, I might've believed that. If someone would have asked me how I knew Lucas Scott, I would've said that he's my friend. You know what though, Lucas? We're not friends."

His eyes turn shocked.

"Brooke, how can you say that? After all we've done for each other?"

You take a deep breath.

"Since you and Peyton got engaged, you've barely said anything to me. You never called me to ask if Angie got home okay. You never once confronted me after I 'fell down the stairs'. You never bothered to say any comforting words to me after I fought my attacker, who coincidently, also killed Quentin! You've been ignoring me, Luke! It's like I don't even exist anymore! It's like, if someone asked you who I was, you'd tell them that I was some ex-girlfriend from high school that you lost touch with!"

Lucas doesn't know what to say.

"I think you need to go, Lucas." You motion tiredly toward the door, but he doesn't move.

"I never meant to ignore you, Brooke."

"Actually, you did, and that's okay." You point to the door again.

"No. I didn't." Lucas deadpans.

"Lucas, it's okay. You need to ignore me if you're going to marry Peyton. It's understandable, really." You say matter-of-factly.

"I... I can't even do this right now." Lucas walks toward the door. He gives up on you, just like before.

"_I missed you so much when you broke up with me, Brooke. I mean, I spent every day hoping that maybe we'd get back together, but listening to Whitey describe his life with Camilla, I just realized that..."_

"_He wasn't describing us."_ You tested him then. He didn't stop you. He didn't tell you that you were wrong. He walked away from your relationship and you became just friends. All you could think of during Whitey's speech was Lucas, but you knew Lucas wasn't thinking of you. You wanted him to be thinking of you.

"Fine. Tell Peyton I say hi."

Lucas pauses, but doesn't turn around.

"Fine. Tell Julian I say hi." He mocks you.

"I'll be glad to tell my boyfriend that _fights for me_ that you say hi, Lucas." It was a low blow, but you want him to feel pain like you do.

You can almost see Lucas clench his jaw.

"And I'll be glad to tell my _pretty girl_ that you say hi, Brooke." Lucas spits it out before her realizes what he's saying.

Your expression turns hard. Your feet are moving toward the back of the store faster than they've ever moved before.

"Brooke, wait!" His calls are desperate. You don't care. He chases after you and makes an attempt to grab your arm.

You shrug him off you.

"Get off me Lucas!" You scream hoarsely. You're concentrating on not letting any tears fall.

"No, Brooke. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." Lucas replies frantically.

"Yes you did! You know you did! All you ever do is hurt me." You can't stop the tears from rolling down your cheeks.

"Brooke..." Lucas whispers softly. He reaches out hesitantly to wipe away your tears.

You slap his hand away.

"Get away from me!" You try to conceal your fear. He's too close. The tears come faster.

"Are... are you afraid of me?" Lucas looks back and forth between your eyes. He takes a step back.

You don't answer him. You just rub recklessly at your eyes to erase any signs of crying.

He takes another step back.

"Brooke..." Lucas tries to speak again, quietly.

You look up and blink back tears

"Lucas, please. Just go." You wrap your arms around yourself.

"Brooke, you didn't answer my question. Are you afraid of me?" Lucas asks you gently.

You still don't answer him.

"You're... you're afraid of me." Lucas stutters. He looks toward you, confused.

"You haven't exactly given me a reason not to be afraid of you." You answer, trying to be confident. Your voice shakes.

"That's not what I mean—" Lucas starts. You cut him off.

"—What do you expect, Lucas? I recently got attacked in my own store! Right over there!"

You point past his head.

"Right there Luke! I was beat and punched and kicked right in that damn spot! I screamed and cried and no one ever came! No one! I was alone!"

"No one came! No one ever fucking saved me!" You yell.

Lucas is silent, eyes wide with guilt.

"No one ever saves me." You speak softly and start crying all over again.

Lucas attempts to come near you, to offer you some type of comfort.

You push him back.

"No! No." You tell him.

"And you know what? I had to fight off that same attacker with a gun." Your chin trembles.

"I almost killed that man!"

Everything in the room seems to stop. Your tears gradually subside. Your throat is raw from yelling.

You speak quietly, defeated.

"So tell me, Lucas, how can I not be afraid of anyone that comes in contact with me?"

"I don't... I don't know." Lucas looks toward you unsteadily.

You sigh and put your face in your hands. You're so tired. You want to go home.

"Lucas, get out of my store." You grab your purse and walk toward the exit. He stays still.

"Now!" He follows, unsure of himself.

You lock up the store and make your way to your car. You get in and slam the car door in Lucas's face.

"Brooke!" He looks so confused. You don't care.

You roll down the window a little.

"Listen, Broody. Just forget about this, okay? I just want to go home. You should get home to Peyton, anyway."

His stare is deep. His words come out strong.

"I would never hurt you, Brooke."

You know what he means. Lucas would never hit you.

He did hurt you though. He broke your heart more times than you can count. He never saved you.

"Bye, Broody." You sigh.

You buckle your seatbelt and start to pull away.

When you glance at the rear-view mirror, Lucas is squinting after you.

* * *

In some crazy dream of yours, Lucas would drive straight to your house after what just happened, confess his love for you, and tell you that he wants you next to him when all his dreams come true.

In real life, Julian calls to tell you goodnight. You can't help but feel disappointed.

You're so selfish.

* * *

Your closet is big, full, and wonderful. It's your favorite part of the house. You sit in the back right corner, cross-legged.

You're wearing baggy gray sweatpants and a white tank top. A carton of vanilla ice cream is practically attached to you. A spoon is currently hanging from your mouth.

Sam is at school, so you don't have to worry about her seeing you being so pathetic.

Your Lucas box is right in front of you, taunting and reminding you of the past.

You drop the spoon into the ice cream carton.

You glare menacingly at the box.

"I hate you." You whisper passionately.

You don't really hate the box.

You don't hate Lucas either.

You certaintly don't hate Julian.

And, believe it or not, you don't hate Peyton.

Why should you?

You love them all.

You're the one that's doing this to yourself.

It's some twisted form of self-mutilation, sitting here, torturing yourself with this Lucas box, with this ice cream, with these sweatpants.

You know what you're doing. You're feeling sorry for yourself.

Go ahead, feel sorry for yourself for falling for Peyton's lovers.

You knew she had feelings for Lucas back in high school. You knew both times you dated him. You even knew when she was with Jake. You're not that dense.

You knew your friendship would get screwed up over a bunch of boys.

She should have told you about Lucas the first time. You should have told her about Nathan back when it happened.

The second time she told you, it was too late.

You knew that she dated Julian, obviously. You knew that Julian still had feelings for her.

You knew that you could never look at him without seeing betrayal and heartbreak and love.

Maybe that's why every day after this one, nothing's going to change.

Lucas is still going to be with Peyton. You're still going to be with Julian.

Naley is still going to be together. Although if Chris Keller comes back... no, whatever.

If you're honest with yourself, you really do love Julian, but...

"_You never forget your first love."_

You're never going to stop loving Lucas. You don't see how you could.

You're just going to hope that, one day, hopefully soon, you could love Julian a little bit more.

_Ring._

_Ring._

You leave your ice cream and Lucas box behind as you pad across the carpet to grab the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, B. Davis." Peyton replies.

"What's going on, P. Sawyer?"

"You know, just the usual love rectangle plus one." Peyton sighs.

"_You want to know what I think? I think Nathan likes tutor girl, but I think tutor girl likes Lucas, and I know I like Lucas, and I don't know who the hell you like any more. This is all turning into one big love... rectangle plus one... whatever that is!"_

No matter whether you love Lucas or Julian or anyone, there's always going to be some big love rectangle plus one, give or take a few people.

"Really? Oh, me too."


End file.
